It’s the age old question, right? Who is the most famous person in the United States of America? For argument’s sake, I’m not considering people who have kicked the bucket. I’m talking about the biggest “household name” in our society who is alive today. So basically here’s what I did: after hours of research and deliberation (I clearly don’t have much to do on a Wednesday night), I came up with what I consider to be a rough estimate of the 32 most well-known people in our country, and then I threw them all into a bracket. Because brackets are fun right? Right. Okay, let’s get to goin’…
1) Michael Jordan v. 8) Tom Cruise
This might be the easiest matchup there is. Every kid in America grows up wanting to be Michael Jordan. No doubter.
4) Lil Wayne v. 5) Rihanna
Because sex sells, duh. And because Lil’ Wayne might be the weirdest dude on Earth.
3) Bill Clinton v. 6) Jay Z
You’re god damn right Bill Clinton is a strong candidate to take this whole thing. He is the household name of household names.
2) Derek Jeter v. 7) Leonardo DiCaprio
Being the captain of the New York Yankees might be the most glorified title in all of sports.
1) Muhammad Ali v. 8) Will Smith
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” or “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”…that’s what I thought.
4) Kanye West v. 5) George W. Bush
This matchup makes me giggle. Going with Bush here, although Kanye West does seem to be slowly taking over the world one day at a time.
3) Shaquille O’Neal v. 6) Tom Brady
Shaq is literally a marketing machine. He will never go away.
2) Justin Bieber v. 7) Beyonce
Looks like Justin Bieber is a scary sleeper candidate to take this region. How sad is this world that we live in?
1) Oprah v. 8) Kevin Durant
Sorry KD, you don’t have your own television network.
4) Kobe Bryant v. 5) Kim Kardashian
The fact that Kim Kardashian is a household name is more proof that we live in a terrible, terrible world.
3) OJ Simpson v. 6) Bill Gates
1995 was just owned by OJ Simpson. An entire year of television programming was just dominated by the famous OJ Simpson murder trial. I was like 6 and I remember this shit. People will know that name forever.
2) LeBron James v. 7) Brad Pitt
I doubt that Brad Pitt had a television special dedicated solely to the announcement of his role as Billy Beane in Moneyball.
1) Barack Obama v. 8) Justin Timberlake
Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY knows who Obama is. If you don’t, and you live in this country, please don’t read my blog anymore.
4) Taylor Swift v. 5) Lady Gaga
Taylor Swift, but only because I’m not totally convinced Lady Gaga is actually a person.
3) Eminem v. 6) Madonna
Madonna has fallen way out of the limelight. Probably doesn’t even belong in this bracket, but whatever.
2) Tiger Woods v. 7) Britney Spears
These two have probably had sex. Either way Tiger wins.
1) Michael Jordan v. 5) Rihanna
Sex sells, sure; but singing about being a slut will never outsell the Jumpman.
3) Bill Clinton v. 2) Derek Jeter
Sadly, baseball is no longer America’s pastime, and the Yankees are no longer America’s team. Jeter might be the biggest name in the game, but Clinton’s johnson alone is more famous than any baseball player on this planet.
1) Muhammad Ali v. 5) George W. Bush
Ali might just be the greatest athlete of all-time. And by popular consensus, Bush might just be the worst president of all-time. So, I guess it’s Ali by a landslide.
3) Shaquille O’Neal v. 2) Justin Bieber
What happened to Aaron Carter? Didn’t he dunk on Shaq? Why is he not on this list? WHERE ARE YOU AARON CARTER?!!!?!?!
1) Oprah v. 5) Kim Kardashian
The day Kim Kardashian gets her own news network is the day I end it all.
3) OJ Simpson v. 2) LeBron James
LeBron is one of the most polarizing figures in the country, and when it comes to being famous, being hated can be the way to go. But these two are hated for much different reasons, and some people will probably hate OJ until the end of time. People only hate LeBron because he does stuff like this.
1) Barack Obama v. 4) Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift needs to put out at least 17 more albums and date at least 75 more teenage boys in the next year to even come close to touching Obama.
3) Eminem v. 2) Tiger Woods
Goodbye fried rice, hello fried chicken! I love you dad!
1) Michael Jordan v. 3) Bill Clinton
Maybe the toughest matchup of all. Like I said before, every little boy in this country dreams of becoming Michael Jordan when they grow up. But then again, they quickly realize once they hit puberty that they only have a six inch vertical, and soon discover their new dream; getting a blowjob in the oval office. I still give the nod to MJ, because he does stuff like this…
1) Muhammed Ali v. 2) Justin Bieber
A couple of months ago, my buddy got married and myself and the rest of the Dumpster gang threw him an awesome Justin Bieber-themed bachelor party, because, well, they’re just happened to be a whole aisle of Justin Bieber-themed party supplies at Party America, and because we obviously thought it would be hilarious. That’s how the Dumpster gang rolls. Now, keep in mind I don’t know any Justin Bieber songs. And neither does the groom-to-be. I don’t even know why he is famous, really. But we had a great time at that Bieber party and that’s all that matters. Bieber wins.
1) Oprah v. 2) LeBron James
You get a humpback whale! You get a humpback whale! Everybody gets a humpback whale!!!!!
1) Barack Obama v. 2) Tiger Woods
Tiger had a nice run, but honestly, who the fuck watches golf these days?
THE FINAL FOUR
1) Michael Jordan v. 2) Justin Bieber
Teenage girls melt for Bieber. Your girlfriend might melt for Bieber. Your mom, your grandma, your great grandma; they all probably melt when they see Bieber. But this is a man’s country. Real men don’t give two fucks about Justin Bieber, even if he does inspire kick-ass bachelor parties.
1) Oprah v. 1) Barack Obama
If only Oprah was attractive, think of all the power she could have…
Michael Jordan vs. Barack Obama
General rule of thumb: if people might want to assassinate you, chances are you’re pretty famous.
Obama is our champion.