MELISSA KING: YOU’RE INVITED TO THE DUMPSTER

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MEET ISAIAH STOKES: AMERICA’S SCARIEST 8TH GRADER

As if this season couldn’t get anymore exciting, last night was yet another banner night for college basketball. Minnesota knocked off No. 1 Indiana, Memphis lost for the first time since December, and the mighty Florida Gators were handed yet another SEC road loss.

There was a lot of talent on display in that Florida/Tennessee game, in particular, between Mike Rosario, Kenny Boynton, Jordan McRae, and, with apologies to those who don’t enjoy foreshadowing, Jarnell Stokes. However, the one image from last night that completely caught my eye actually had nothing to do with college hoops:

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Yes, this picture is real. This is Isaiah Stokes, the younger brother of Tennessee forward Jarnell Stokes. Jarnell is a 270 lbs. sophomore for the Volunteers basketball team and an All-SEC caliber player. Even at just 6’7″, Jarnell is a walking double-double who averages 12.6 points and 9.2 rebounds a game, and is a huge reason why the Vols are in the hunt for the NCAA Tournament after an ugly start to the season.

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As you can see, Jarnell Stokes is a pretty big dude. That being said, his younger brother Isaiah is a couple glasses of milk away from towering over his 19-year old brother. Let’s look at Isaiah again, shall we?

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He literally looks like he’s going to eat that little kid. Now, you might ask why a light-skinned version of Dikembe Mutombo is playing peewee football, but truth be told, Isaiah Stokes, the hulking human being in the picture above, actually belongs on that football field. That’s because Isaiah, much like that tiny little pipsqueak running away from him in the image above, is in 8th grade. That’s right, that giant mountain of a man you see on your computer screen isn’t even in high school yet.

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I’m skeptical too, my man. 

So let’s recap things for a second: Isaiah Stokes, the younger brother of a 19-year old college basketball phenom in the making, stands at 6’7″, weighs nearly 220 lbs, and is just 13 years old. He is already dominating on the football field (as you can imagine from the picture above) and is also dominating in AAU basketball. Stokes scored 29 points and 8 rebounds in a highly publicized AAU tournament outing recently, and is already being heavily recruited by several schools, including Tennessee, even though he’s still a couple years away from driving a car.

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I shit you not when I tell you that the kid on the left is 13 years old

Isaiah Stokes already has the size to play in college, yet he hasn’t even set foot in high school. His brother Jarnell has worlds of talent, and from all early observations, Isaiah has inherited those skills and then some. Even if he never grows another inch, you have to figure he’ll be a stud in the distant-but-near future with the right amount of coaching.isaiah-stokes

But what if he keeps growing? No seriously, are we looking at the NBA’s first 8-footer? Will he grow to be a solid 7’3″, yet run the floor like a guy half his size? Whatever happens, the sky is the limit for this kid. Remember the name, because odds are, Isaiah Stokes will be dominating in something, somewhere in five years. While we’re it at, let’s look at that picture one more time…

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Yikes. It’s official: Isaiah Stokes is the scariest 8th grader to ever walk the face of the Earth.

DUMPSTER HOOPS: ELIJAH JOHNSON GONE WILD

So in case you missed it last night, the Kansas Jayhawks and the Iowa State Cyclones met up in what proved to be one of the best games of the 2012-2013 college basketball season. It was complete with milestones, late-game heroics, controversial calls, unnecessary showboating, and racist death threats. To summarize it simply, there was some motherfucking excitement up in Ames, Iowa yesterday.

Oh, did I mention it featured the most incredible single-game performance we have seen in college basketball this season? Shit, that was best individual performance we’ve seen in college hoops in a long fucking time. I mean, Elijah Johnson absolutely took over that game. The kid finished with 30 POINTS IN THE SECOND HALF. 30 FREAKING POINTS!!! Everything, literally everything was falling for Elijah. It was an unprecedented shooting display, something he couldn’t duplicate if he tried.

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And it comes as somewhat of a surprise because Johnson had struggled mightily this season with his shot and had also been playing second fiddle to freshman Ben McLemore, one of the top players in the country. Johnson, a senior, was shooting less than 40 percent coming into Monday’s contest against the Cyclones, while also averaging less than 10 points a game.

He changed that last night with a ridiculous 39 points on 13-of-22 shooting from the floor, 6-for-10 shooting from beyond the arc, and a 7-for-7 from the free throw line. Not to mention he added seven assists and five rebounds. That is about as good as it gets.

After stumbling through much of the season, Elijah Johnson has come to life. Just a week ago, he came up with some big baskets for the Jayhawks in their thrilling, double-overtime road win over a very good Oklahoma State team. He also put Marcus Smart, one of the best point guards in the country, on his ass with this filthy crossover…

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Broken. Ankles. Amen.
(Ignore the fact that he got stuffed at the end of this GIF)

Last night, Elijah Johnson single-handedly propelled Kansas to a victory over a tough Iowa State team that had won 21 straight home games. He led Head Coach Bill Self to his 500th win. He led Kansas to its fifth straight win. And he led all of us to wonder how dangerous this Kansas team can really be if he plays to his full potential. McLemore gets a lot of the attention, but it’s Johnson who’ll be the most important for Kansas if the Jayhawks want to return to the Final Four.

DUMPSTER KNOWLEDGE: THE LONELY FUNERAL

Fun Fact of the Day: If you die alone in Amsterdam, the city will bury you in a cemetery complete with flowers, music, and a eulogy.

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From the BBC: Every year up to 20 people die completely alone in Amsterdam. There are no friends or family to prepare their funeral or mourn over the body. Sometimes these people are illegal migrants, drug mules, or simply people who for one reason or another, cut off all social contacts.
A civil servant and a poet come together in their shared determination that those who die alone have a respectful and personal funeral. For 20 years, Ger Frits has chosen music to play at what have become known as “lonely funerals”. He puts flowers on the coffin and accompanies each person to their final resting place.
A few years ago, Amsterdam poet Frank Starik decided that these people also deserved to be eulogized, and after some reluctance Frits agreed. City workers visit the houses of the deceased to sort out their bills and administration. They also see the loneliness. The visits have a practical purpose, but they also provide inspiration for the poems read out at the service. “The funeral is a moment of reckoning and someone needs to put in a good word for you. One of our essential qualities is a need for a story…. what the lonely funeral does is return stories to people who somehow have lost theirs along the way,” says Starik.
Stay Smart, Stay in the Dumpster

THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE A POSTER: MICHAEL KIDD-GILCHRIST EDITION

Quite possibly the dunk of the year. Yeah, the Bobcats are the worst team in the NBA. Yeah, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist’s career has gotten off to a slightly disappointing start. But when you throw down dunks like this in the face of legitimate big men (in this case, Greg Monroe), all is forgiven.

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The GIF really does this dunk justice. It’s amazing how much elevation he gets off such a small burst.
Get some, MKG, get some.