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DUMPSTER PREDICTIONS: THE SUPER BOWL THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT

Ever since I was little guy, I’ve always watched the Super Bowl. In fact, I think with the exception of that dreaded Bears/Colts Super Bowl in 2007, I’ve watched every Super Bowl since 1995. That was the year the San Francisco 49ers absolutely man-handled the San Diego Chargers, and I was like five years old, running around my grandma’s house pretending to be Jerry Rice. I was the happiest five-year old in the country, all because of a football game. And I didn’t even care who won. I was just happy that my entire family spent the entire night watching a measly football game, and because I got to stay up past 9:30. It was like a fuckin’ holiday.

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A couple years later, when the Patriots lost to the Packers in ’97, I cried. I cried my little ass to sleep. When Kevin Dyson fell short of the end zone by a yard in 2000, I marveled in disbelief. When New England went on its epic run of three Super Bowls in four years, I was glued to the television every time Tom Brady told us he was going to Disney World. And when the Patriots blew two more chances at glory thanks to those asshole New York Giants in 2008 AND 2012… well, let’s just say drugs and alcohol can help you forget about anything.

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So here I sit, two days before the 19th Super Bowl that I can actually remember, and in all honesty, I could not care any less. I truly couldn’t give less of a flying fuck. The 10-year old me would be shitting his pants in excitement. The 23-year old apparently has grown cold and emotionless.

In all honesty, it’s not because of the matchup. I guarantee you that this is going to be an awesome football game. Two smashed-mouth opponents going to head-to-head. Two legitimate quarterbacks battling for supremacy. Two incredible running backs, two incredible defenses; I could go on and on.

But I won’t. That’s because you don’t need me to hype up this game. It’s already been over-hyped as it is, and I can’t fucking stand it. Ray Lewis, Deer Antler Spray, the Harbaugh brothers coaching against each other, Joe Flacco’s “Elite Status”, Colin Kaepernick’s emergence as the next superstar quarterback; there are just too many fucking storylines behind this game.

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The two weeks leading up to the game is unbearable.
Reason #5,673,439 why ESPN is ruining sports for me. How about they just go out and play, and we’ll talk about what happened after?

Not only that, but it cracks me up to see the type of people who get “amped up” for the “big game.” For the most part, it’s the people who don’t even follow football that make the biggest plans for the Super Bowl.

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It’s become more of an event where you get together with your friends, eat gross amounts of food, and gamble on shit that doesn’t matter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I suppose. But I swear people in this country get more excited for the commercials and the halftime show, rather than the game itself.  In fact, how many people even recognize who wins and who loses when the game is over? And how many people call in sick the next day? I would really like to see some stats on this.  Gotta love America. We’ll take any excuse to party.

Maybe I’m becoming a bitter, cynical old man. Maybe I’m subconsciously pissed the Patriots lost to the Ravens. Maybe I’m just a contrarian. Whatever it may be, the Super Bowl no longer draws me in like it used to. I’m sure the rest of the country is pumped, but this year, I just don’t have the fire in me. We’ll try again next year, I guess.

So, without further adieu, here is my much-anticipated prediction for Super Bowl XLVII, aka, the Super Bowl That I Don’t Care About:

San Francisco 24, Baltimore 23

San Francisco is undefeated in Super Bowls (5-0) and Niners’ quarterbacks have never thrown an interception in all five of those games. It’ll be close, but I don’t think any of that changes for San Fran. Kaepernick throws for 150 yards, runs for 75 more. 49ers get up early, but Joe Flacco and Ray Rice bring them back to life in the 3rd quarter. Ravens take a 23-17 lead on Justin Tucker’s third field goal of the game midway through the 4th quarter, which leads to Kaepernick driving down the field and eventually finding Vernon Davis in the end zone with less than three minutes left to put San Francisco on top, 24-23. Flacco tries to lead his team down the field and tries to silence his critics, but in the end, he comes up empty. Niners win.

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And if that’s how it actually happens, then I’m officially a fuckin’ prophet.

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Enjoy the game, guys! I’ll be in the other room watching Gigli for the fourth time this week.

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Editor’s Note: I might watch the halftime show, but only to see if Beyonce’s nipple falls out…

Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction

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