WHAT REALLY GOES ON DURING NBA GAMES

“Who the fuck put a trash can right here?!?! Dumb ass shit.”
– Lebron James

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THE YAM MONSTER, THE VERY BUSY PANCHO CONTRERAS, AND THE REST OF YOUR FAVORITE INTERNATIONAL SESAME STREET CHARACTERS

(Via Mental Floss)

There are currently more than 20 versions of Sesame Street in countries around the world. From Oscar the Grouch’s Israeli cousin to Nigeria’s Yam Monster, here are some of our favorite international Muppets.

1. OSCAR THE GROUCH’S ISRAELI COUSIN

The Israeli version of Oscar the Grouch is Moishe Oofnik, whose last name means “grouch” in Hebrew. The biggest difference between the two is that when Moishe started on the Israeli show, he lived in a broken-down car instead of a garbage can. The reason? Israeli kids are taught not to play in trash receptacles because they might contain bombs. Moishe also happens to be an observant Jew; he celebrates Rosh Hashanah by dipping apples into sardine grease for a slimy New Year.

2. NIGERIA’S YAM MONSTER

In Africa, Sesame Street doesn’t shy away from the big issues. The Nigerian adaptation of the show stars Kami, the world’s first HIV-positive Muppet (introduced by South Africa’s Takalani Sesame), and Zobi, a fluffy, blue cab driver who educates children about malaria. The production has its lighter side, too. Zobi is also the Nigerian version of Cookie Monster, though he’s more of a Yam Monster. Since not many Nigerian children have access to cookies, the producers decided to give Zobi an insatiable craving for one of the country’s staple foods. He often shouts out, “Me eat yam!”

3. BLUKI

Bluki is a full-bodied blue cat-like creature seen on Barrio Sesamo in Spain back in the late ’90s. He resembles nothing so much as the physical manifestation of a bad drug trip—a monster as big as a person and bright blue with pink toes, wearing a wristwatch, stylish waistcoat and propeller hat. But apparently the kids loved him.

4. BIG BIRD’S PARROT COUSIN

Abelardo Montoya is the impressively monikered and plumaged Mexican parrot cousin of Big Bird who first appeared on Plaza Sésamo in 1981. He is not to be confused with Abelardo the crocodile, who prefigured Abelardo Montoya in the 1970s. Today, Plaza is broadcast across Central and South America and is conducted in Colombian-style Spanish, which is a more neutral form accessible to children in several different countries. In a sign of the times, Abelardo occasionally internet video chats with his big yellow cousin back on Sesame Street.

5. THE VERY BUSY PANCHO CONTRERAS

Pancho, a friend of Abelardo on Plaza Sesamo, has some grouch-like tendencies, but is more Type A than Oscar (“I’m very busy because I’m very busy. I don’t have time.”) He’s literate, plays the cello and likes to crush his competitors in various games of skill. He’s exudes Pancho Villa rather than Sancho Panza. Pancho even has his own show within the show called Pancho Visión, which undoubtedly further serves to inflate his already considerable ego.

6. SAMSON CAN DO ANYTHING

Samson is one of the main characters on Sesamstrasse, the German coproduction of Sesame Street. In appearance, he looks like a distant relative of Captain Caveman, and is the only holdover from the original Sesamstrasse lineup. His signature song goes “Ich bin Samson, und ich schaff’s!,” which may sound German and vaguely menacing to our untrained American ears, but actually means “I am Samson, and I can do anything!” Inspirational.

SIDEBAR: THE BALKANS — WHERE THE ALPHABET SPELLS TROUBLE

Sesame Street has ventured into places where friendly neighbors are tough to come by. In 2006, the show launched a Kosovo version, which was broadcast in both Albania and Serbia. This dual audience immediately created a problem—nobody could agree on which alphabet to use.

The Serbians wanted to use Cyrillic, but the Albanians view Cyrillic as a throwback to Cold War tyranny; they wanted to use the Latin alphabet. The show’s creators came up with an ingenious solution. They invented a “visual dictionary,” in which children of different ethnicities held up an object and said its name in their own language. It’s hard to think of Communist oppression when you’re looking at a preschooler holding an apple.

7. KUBIK THE TINKERER

From Mendeleev to Pavlov to Sakharov, Russia has boasted some of history’s greatest scientists and inventors. Kubik, an orange-yellow creature from Ulitsa Sezam, is cut from this brainy cloth. He’s an inveterate tinkerer, always curious to know how things work. Hopefully one of these days he will get to inventing something useful, like the emissions-free engine or the hoverboard.

8. THE DUTCH DAREDEVIL CHICKEN

Who better to teach kids to face their fears than a daredevil chicken? That was the thought behind Stuntkip, who first appeared on the Dutch co-production Sesamstraat in 2008. Death-defying stunts performed include Stuntkip once telling her aunt that she didn’t want a second portion after fearlessly finishing a first plate of Brussels sprouts, riding an elevator, and checking under the bed for monsters. Just more evidence that the Low Countries have a lot of grit.

9. AN EVEN MORE ADORABLE MUPPET

Kawaii is the Japanese culture of cuteness, embodied by symbols such as Hello Kitty or Pikachu. The Japanese version of Sesame Street is infused with the aesthetic, too. On the program, Teena, a young girl Muppet, is meant to represent kawaii; she dresses all in pink, loves flowers, and wears them in pigtails in her purple hair. She’s so tiny, perky, and sweet she makes Hello Kitty look like a middle-aged cat lady.

THIS WEEK ON CRAIGLIST: THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

Editor’s Note: This is an actual Craigslist ad from last week. This isn’t me trying to rekindle an old flame with some broad who shit herself in my car the other day…

To the woman who crapped her pants in my car…(iowa city)

To the women who crapped her pants in my car…

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .
Touché. . .

  • Location: iowa city
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Ahhh, the power of the internet. I really do hope these two lovebirds reunite one day. They were clearly meant to be.  Because, really, everybody gambles on a fart now and then. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So good luck to you, Tad!!! May you find the woman of your dreams…

HOW LONG COULD YOU LAST AGAINST A LION? A SPECIAL DUMPSTER BREAKDOWN

With all the lion-related deaths in the news lately, it seems like everybody and their brother is talking about how long they could last against a lion in one-on-one combat. Okay, so maybe not everybody is talking about it, but we here in the Dumpster have been pondering this thought for quite some time…

If you were completely alone and unarmed in the middle of the Serengeti or where ever the fuck lions live these days, how long would it take before the lion spotted you, caught up to you, and tore you apart? You have no weapons to use, no trees to climb, no significant martial art skills; you have nothing. You are not Usain Bolt, nor are you Chuck Norris or Jackie Chan. Just the average human and the average lion in a wide open field…

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TALE OF THE TAPE

Lion (Panthera leo)
Nickname: King of the Jungle, Big Fucking Killing Machine
Height: 3’6″
Weight: 400 lbs.
Average Speed: 50 mph
Strengths: Razor sharp teeth, razor sharp claws, fast, always hungry
Weaknesses: Easily confused, no opposable thumbs, sleeps too much

Lion

Human (Homo sapiens)
Nickname: Steve
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Average Speed: 12 mph
Strengths: Intelligent, articulate, opposable thumbs, once got a handjob in art class
Weaknesses: Doesn’t have razor sharp teeth or razor sharp claws, slightly overweight, slow, scared of wild animals

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So here it is. We have your average lion against your average human, as pictured above. Now, for starters, terrain is a big factor. Where is this showdown taking place? In the middle of New York City? How about at the San Diego Zoo? No. We gotta give the lions homecourt advantage in this one, so this deathmatch is taking place in the lion’s den, if you will. In the middle of fucking Africa.

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How did the average human aka “Steve” get there, you might ask? Since I know some people live and die by reason and logistics and bullshit like that, let’s just say “Steve” was the lone survivor of a hot air balloon crash in the middle of the Serengeti. Also, since physical condition can play a huge role in a situation like this, we’ll say that “Steve” had a nice meal before the crash and was completely unharmed in the accident that killed all of his family and friends. Hydrated? Yes. Well-nourished? Yes. Mentally stable? Not so much.

So here is where the debate begins. Let’s say “Steve” is walking through an endless field  a few hours after the crash, desperately hoping to find some kind help. As he is walking along he spots a lion in the distance. Let’s say a half mile away. The lion doesn’t see him…yet. “Steve” looks around and sees nothing but miles of uncivilized land. As we mentioned before, there’s no climbable trees, he has no weapons, there is nothing for this poor bastard to work with. Just him and the lion…alone.

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I’m assuming this is the face one would make upon encountering a lion

As “Steve” begins to run, the lion, using those solid hunting skills of his, sees something in the distance that looks edible. He begins to move towards it. Now they say that the best way to dodge a lion (if there is any best way at all) is to make a lot of noise and panic and throw your arms in the air in attempt to confuse the lion. “Steve” does all of this when he spots the lion because he is about to shit his pants in fear. He sprints away, the lion sees him a few minutes later, and it’s on.

At this point, I give “Steve” about 10 minutes to avoid this lion before that beast of a killing machine finally catches up to him. There’s only so much you can do to hide from a lion. Maybe you can hide behind a rock for a little bit, but eventually he’s gonna find you. Maybe you can try and swim away. Lions hate water, right? Well, odds are you would get devoured by a crocodile, so maybe that’s not the best option either. And it’s not like you can run forever. Even those in peak physical condition can only run for so long. Sure, instincts would kick in to fucking haul ass out of there, but eventually you’re going to get winded. The lion? Maybe not so much.

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So, let’s say you run/hide from a lion for about 10 minutes. 15  minutes at the most. Eventually he closes in on you, catches up to you and attacks. Does he kill you right away? Well, you can only hope so. But what if he decides to jump you from behind, throw a quick slash of the paws across the back, and then rip you down by your waist? What if after all that, you are still alive, and the lion proceeds to slowly eat your legs? I’m not an expert on the killing tactics of a lion, but I imagine he would probably kill you first before doing anything else. No one wants their prey squirming around and screaming while they try and enjoy a nice meal. That being said, if the lion takes his sweet time in eating you, you’re fucked. This could add at least two or three minutes of miserable lion time to your grand total. The quicker the better, but then again, lions aren’t all that considerate.

FINAL VERDICT

Between hiding, running, and physically being mauled to death, the Dumpster has concluded it would take the average human a maximum of 15 minutes before the average lion finally ripped it to shreds.

Think it should be more? Less? Feel free to comment with your responses.

WHAT HIP HOP TAUGHT ME

Bitches loveeeee Jenna Marbles, and I’m not gonna lie, I kinda do too. Not just because she’s insanely hot, but also because she believe it or not, she is a woman, I repeat, a woman who can make me laugh. A woman! So rare. So raven.

Well, most of her shit makes me laugh anyway. Some of it doesn’t really apply to men. Like “What Girls Lie About”, “Why Girls Hate Each Other”, “Why Having A Period Sucks”, blah blah blah blah. But you know what? The Dumpster still fucks with Jenna Marbles.

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The Dumpster don’t fucks with those little dogs, though. Fuck little dogs. That is all.