Monthly Archives: March 2013

THIS WEEK ON CRAIGLIST: THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

Editor’s Note: This is an actual Craigslist ad from last week. This isn’t me trying to rekindle an old flame with some broad who shit herself in my car the other day…

To the woman who crapped her pants in my car…(iowa city)

To the women who crapped her pants in my car…

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call, Tad

P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .
Touché. . .

  • Location: iowa city
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Ahhh, the power of the internet. I really do hope these two lovebirds reunite one day. They were clearly meant to be.  Because, really, everybody gambles on a fart now and then. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So good luck to you, Tad!!! May you find the woman of your dreams…

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HOW LONG COULD YOU LAST AGAINST A LION? A SPECIAL DUMPSTER BREAKDOWN

With all the lion-related deaths in the news lately, it seems like everybody and their brother is talking about how long they could last against a lion in one-on-one combat. Okay, so maybe not everybody is talking about it, but we here in the Dumpster have been pondering this thought for quite some time…

If you were completely alone and unarmed in the middle of the Serengeti or where ever the fuck lions live these days, how long would it take before the lion spotted you, caught up to you, and tore you apart? You have no weapons to use, no trees to climb, no significant martial art skills; you have nothing. You are not Usain Bolt, nor are you Chuck Norris or Jackie Chan. Just the average human and the average lion in a wide open field…

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TALE OF THE TAPE

Lion (Panthera leo)
Nickname: King of the Jungle, Big Fucking Killing Machine
Height: 3’6″
Weight: 400 lbs.
Average Speed: 50 mph
Strengths: Razor sharp teeth, razor sharp claws, fast, always hungry
Weaknesses: Easily confused, no opposable thumbs, sleeps too much

Lion

Human (Homo sapiens)
Nickname: Steve
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 200 lbs.
Average Speed: 12 mph
Strengths: Intelligent, articulate, opposable thumbs, once got a handjob in art class
Weaknesses: Doesn’t have razor sharp teeth or razor sharp claws, slightly overweight, slow, scared of wild animals

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So here it is. We have your average lion against your average human, as pictured above. Now, for starters, terrain is a big factor. Where is this showdown taking place? In the middle of New York City? How about at the San Diego Zoo? No. We gotta give the lions homecourt advantage in this one, so this deathmatch is taking place in the lion’s den, if you will. In the middle of fucking Africa.

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How did the average human aka “Steve” get there, you might ask? Since I know some people live and die by reason and logistics and bullshit like that, let’s just say “Steve” was the lone survivor of a hot air balloon crash in the middle of the Serengeti. Also, since physical condition can play a huge role in a situation like this, we’ll say that “Steve” had a nice meal before the crash and was completely unharmed in the accident that killed all of his family and friends. Hydrated? Yes. Well-nourished? Yes. Mentally stable? Not so much.

So here is where the debate begins. Let’s say “Steve” is walking through an endless field  a few hours after the crash, desperately hoping to find some kind help. As he is walking along he spots a lion in the distance. Let’s say a half mile away. The lion doesn’t see him…yet. “Steve” looks around and sees nothing but miles of uncivilized land. As we mentioned before, there’s no climbable trees, he has no weapons, there is nothing for this poor bastard to work with. Just him and the lion…alone.

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I’m assuming this is the face one would make upon encountering a lion

As “Steve” begins to run, the lion, using those solid hunting skills of his, sees something in the distance that looks edible. He begins to move towards it. Now they say that the best way to dodge a lion (if there is any best way at all) is to make a lot of noise and panic and throw your arms in the air in attempt to confuse the lion. “Steve” does all of this when he spots the lion because he is about to shit his pants in fear. He sprints away, the lion sees him a few minutes later, and it’s on.

At this point, I give “Steve” about 10 minutes to avoid this lion before that beast of a killing machine finally catches up to him. There’s only so much you can do to hide from a lion. Maybe you can hide behind a rock for a little bit, but eventually he’s gonna find you. Maybe you can try and swim away. Lions hate water, right? Well, odds are you would get devoured by a crocodile, so maybe that’s not the best option either. And it’s not like you can run forever. Even those in peak physical condition can only run for so long. Sure, instincts would kick in to fucking haul ass out of there, but eventually you’re going to get winded. The lion? Maybe not so much.

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So, let’s say you run/hide from a lion for about 10 minutes. 15  minutes at the most. Eventually he closes in on you, catches up to you and attacks. Does he kill you right away? Well, you can only hope so. But what if he decides to jump you from behind, throw a quick slash of the paws across the back, and then rip you down by your waist? What if after all that, you are still alive, and the lion proceeds to slowly eat your legs? I’m not an expert on the killing tactics of a lion, but I imagine he would probably kill you first before doing anything else. No one wants their prey squirming around and screaming while they try and enjoy a nice meal. That being said, if the lion takes his sweet time in eating you, you’re fucked. This could add at least two or three minutes of miserable lion time to your grand total. The quicker the better, but then again, lions aren’t all that considerate.

FINAL VERDICT

Between hiding, running, and physically being mauled to death, the Dumpster has concluded it would take the average human a maximum of 15 minutes before the average lion finally ripped it to shreds.

Think it should be more? Less? Feel free to comment with your responses.

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